You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
