Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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