she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
