New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
