dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
