so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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