I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
