We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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