Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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