I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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