In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
