Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
