apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
