We named our party play list daddy issues
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
