i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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