I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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