I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
you didnt know i had herpes?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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