We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
