hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
