Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
