I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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