I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
