If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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