wakey wakey hands off snakey
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
