Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I need a beard to bite.
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