when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
