Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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