Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
