i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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