i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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