Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
