just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
