I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
