Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
