I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
