another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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