Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
