Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
