She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
