Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
