Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
