bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
