I'm pants shitting drunk right now
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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