i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
