His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My vagina just clenched in fear
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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