You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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