My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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