After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm too high and old for this...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
