Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
