I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
