I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
