Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
