I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
