the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
